Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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