Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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