I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
