Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
