I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
