No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just found a bag of teeth...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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