I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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