i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
