i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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