i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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