they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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