No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
