there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
