Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
