the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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