My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
