so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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