Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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