I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
