i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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