mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize