apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
