i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sorry about my life...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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