You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
