i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
