I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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