There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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