Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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