i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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