listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
