There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
