just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
