my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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