My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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