I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
