we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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