It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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