So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
