My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
