I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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