i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He has the fingertips of a God
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
