His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
