if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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