Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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