Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
