last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
