god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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