She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize