Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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