I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
