3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
