maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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