I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
