Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
