Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
