Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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