I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
