I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
